Welcome Back to Metro Detroit

Pinz South Lyon

Welcome back. It’s been awhile.

Welcome back, to the bleak brownness of a shucked corn field in nowhere Michigan. To billowing American flags, the red white and Trump blue, flapping like parachutes high above a Red Roof Inn off I-696. Or was that above a Chrysler dealership off I-96? Doesn’t matter. I-275 South is closed for awhile and the traffic is gonna be a disaster. Gas is $2.07 a gallon in New Hudson, I think that’s the cheapest we’ve seen around here, but only if you have cash and if you don’t it’s $2.17. Good price though. Shit, it was damn near $5 a gallon a few years ago. Good mileage on the car, though.

What kind of car did they give you? A Versa?

Welcome back, if you look close enough you can see how one leg of the billboard frame in the middle of town is a little bow-legged. The billboard off Pontiac Trail – is it technically Lafayette? – next to Wendy’s. In the center of the small American town (South Lyon population 11,000 plus) where you lived for six or seven years. The billboard into which your friend crashed in high school when he was high on something, I think nitrous, in the middle of the day, which would make sense because a nitrous tank was the first thing he chucked into the nearby ditch when he got out of his car and before he ran. The billboard when he crashed into the billboard frame was an anti-drug billboard because of course it was. Something about Cypress Hill told him to freeze his ferrets a few days later; he took the ferrets out of the freezer before they froze to death, though.

Welcome back, the cool breath of dying Michigan winter is crisp and dreary and runner-friendly. One morning in the pissing rain, down the Milford Trail, just me and the squirrels, blue jays, robins, cardinals, rabbits, and deer, deer so tame I could have touched them when I ran by. Here’s an otter another time, there are some orioles, and hey, there’s the marsh where kids from the high school collect samples to test in science class. Hey, welcome back, remember that? Science class? Grow up.

Welcome back… whohohoho, welcome back! You have a beard; that’s a hipster beard. How long has it been? 10 years? Was the last time… was the last time at that Tigers game? Yep, I’m over by Bartlett. Yeah, he’s right across the street, by McHattie. You remember The Doobie Tree? He lives right next to it; every time I go over there I think, “there’s The Doobie Tree.” Nowadays it’s the heroin tree. Kids….

Welcome back, if you don’t know where that is let me show you on my hand, or my Michigan map. Oh, to get back you go out there, take a right, then another right on Prospect, take that all the way down to Plymouth-Ann Arbor, then take a right on Curtis and take that down to, I don’t know, I take 8 Mile to get to my parents’, but if you want to drive on Pontiac Trail that bad you can take 6 Mile. Or you can take Weed Road and smoke some weed hahahaha. Have you seen this marijuana wax? It’s condensed and…

Pinball Arcade

Welcome to One-Eyed Betty’s

Welcome back, how long are you here? Oh, two more weeks, oh… okay, well, I’ll see you again then.

Welcome back, don’t speed on Milford Road. Oh yeah, Oakland County sheriffs are all over it. Watch out in New Hudson, don’t speed. You know they get the revenue from those tickets.

Welcome back, you got what? Yeah, a German Shepherd attacked me in a pet cemetery and bit my leg. I don’t want to sue, I just want to make sure it doesn’t have rabies. 1-800-CALL-SAM, hahaha. No, seriously, you should file a report with the Oakland County sheriff either way… CYA. What? Cover your ass. Oh. I don’t know, I don’t really want to go up there. It’s up to you, but when I was working they always told us CYA. Okay, let’s go. I’ll go with you.

Welcome back, I hate to even ask, but what does everybody out there say about this fiasco? Don’t even say it, I know what you’re talking about, and they can’t believe it.

Welcome back, the Indians have the Tigers’ number this year. Swept ‘em once already, looks like they’re gonna do it again. Shit. But it’s a long season, ya know. Every team has their ups and downs and streaks. They should have won a World Series when they had the chance though. Lost that one to the Cardinals when they were favored, and they were favored again against the Giants and they swept ‘em. Geez. But at least they got rid of Alex Avila. Yeah, he was a bum all right. He had that one good season. Of course he’s on the White Sox now, and they’re in first place, but I think he’s injured already. Yeah, he’s a bum. Raburn was a bum too.

Welcome back, save big money at Menard’s. Pizza! Pizza! Have you been bitten by a dog, suffered an injury at work, or been otherwise screwed over? 1-800-CALL-SAM.

rivers edge brewing

Welcome to River’s Edge Brewing Co.

Welcome back, there are new breweries everywhere. There’s one in Commerce called Kickstand, and another called The Drafting Table just opened in Wixom. Good beer? Yeah, and good food, too. Well, they don’t have any food at the one in Wixom, but you can have food delivered or bring it from home. Huh, we’ll have to check that out. Yep, and there’s one in Novi called Ascension – good food, too – and the Draught Horse in New Hudson is in that old Mexican restaurant. They have good food, too.

Welcome back, listen to this: some guy has been spraying rat poison on the produce and salad bars at Whole Foods. Three Whole Foods. They caught him though.

Welcome back, no, you don’t even need a license to carry it, as long as it’s not concealed. I know, I know, but it’s too late now anyway. If you look close enough you’ll see a few every day. Yeah, and that’s not even all these guys with the permits to carry concealed guns. Bullets, man. That’s what they’re stocking up on, because they think Obama is gonna take ‘em away. No, I know guys with thousands of rounds of ammunition. Yeah, I saw a store in Milford just called “Guns.” I know which one you’re talking about, that’s nothing. Crazy. Yeah.

Taco Bell

Welcome back to Taco Bell

Welcome back, oversized everything. Oversized superstores, oversized portions, oversized people, oversized expectations. When are you leaving again?

Welcome back, there’s all-you-can-bowl-and-eat pancakes for 10 bucks on Sunday mornings at Pinz. Man, it’s not Pinz, it’s 700 Bowl. Yeah I know. They actually have solid taps up there now. Trainhopper and Bell’s. Did you take bowling class in college? No, I think in high school. Really? Yeah, I can’t remember if it was Baldwin or Thomas. Is Baldwin still in jail? I don’t know, I think so.

Welcome back, can I take your order? Yeah, I’ll have a spicy potato soft taco. A seven-layer burrito with no sour cream. No sour cream, mmkay, anything else, sir? Yeah, ummm… and a cheesy rice and bean burrito. No, nothing to drink. You know I used to work here. Sorry, sir? I used to work here, like 20 years ago. Sir? I used to work here. In this Taco Bell…. nevermind. Can I get a name for the order, sir? Wando. Wando? Yeah, Wando.

Welcome back, the party store that used to sell cases of whippets is a bike store now. No, Larry’s has been gone for like 10 years. Yeah, that’s closed, too. Riffle’s is a Mexican restaurant now. Movie Land is one of the only movie stores still open around here; we rent movies there sometimes. Did you see this cat video? Too funny! Do you miss Big Boy? I don’t know, not really. What can I sell you? I can sell you a key that’s this big. Is that the key to the city? It could be. I can sell you a 10-gallon pot you can use to make chili. That’s a lot of chili. I know.

Welcome back, no you’re good just give me a couple minutes. I’m in the middle of something, got a lot of shit going on right now at work people need dicks. Yo, I ship 15 grand to Singapore a month! Can I leave you with an evil joke? Since you in Cyst I’ll give you two.

Welcome back, at Martin’s Hardware we pay tax on all Weber grills.

Welcome back to metro Detroit. It’s been awhile.

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